Wednesday, October 29, 2008

the october update

so its been almost 1 year since i have posted anything... but i kept righting everything even though i didnt keep posting. looking back through my notes in my american gladiator trapper keeper here is what happened so far this year...

  • i got caught trying to steal "budweiser"beer from my neighbors house because tommy told me if i didnt he would lock me in a closet and let bobby swanson in and he said it would be like being attacked by a racoon with rabies in the face
  • i went to juvenile hall for being noty where the kids there made me eat peaces of shoelace and dried ejakulashion
  • before i got out my mom sent tommy back to compton because he tried to have sexual relations with her... mom says he is old for his age (11) \... i think they did it.
  • i graduated the 6th grade and all my new classes in 7th grade are with bobby swanson... i think bobby tells the teachers we are best friends so they put us in the same classes in the next grade
  • once i got in 7th grade i called bobby swansons house and told his family they won a million dollars, they were really happy about it and got so sad when they found out that it wasnt real that bobbys dad got really drunk and tried to shoot the whole family... but the rednek was too poor to buy bullets for his shotgun.. it was on the news, he is in jail now
  • bobby found out it was me and pulled out my two front teeth... he tied a string to them while i was alseep in class then screamed "IM GOING TO RAPE YOU" to wake me up... i have bad memories from my past so my first instinkt was to wake up and run as fast as i can and when i did the other end was tied to the teachers desk and my teeth came flying out in front of the entire class... there was blood everywhere.
  • i still have no new front teeth becuz my mom says the dentist doesnt take food stamps
  • lots more stuff but im getting a little sad (buit not much) talking about all the things that happened to me in the last year so ill update them in future posts.

Friday, January 11, 2008

the new year

so i havent righted on my blog in a while becuase i havent felt very good and sad. i forgot to update on what happeend with my cousin tommy so i will start out by telling everyone what happened.

right after christmas alyssa had to baby sit us because mom wanted to go to happy hour. it had been a long time since i had seen alyssa because my mom just had friends over to talk with her in her bedroom instead of going out to happy hour. so of course i was really happy to see alyssa (mostly happy in my pants).

after alyssa came over tommy started asking about the bud that i told him i could get. i had forgotten about it so i went to the fridge and got it out. at first alyssa told me that we couldnt have any of it but tommy got really upset. tommy said that if she didnt let us have it he would tell my mom that she touched him in his private places. alyssa agreed.

after about 30 minutes tommy started getting really mean and started talking in spanish. i didnt know alyssa could speak spanish too but aparently she can. i cant. they both started talkign and drinking more of the bud but wouldnt let me have any. then after a while they started kissing and rubbing eachother on my couch. i told them they had to stop or i would tell my mom, so tommy grabbed me by my hair (what little bit i have) and put me outside and locked the sliding glass door behind me. it was 20 degrees outside that night so i was freezing. all i could do is sit at the door and watch tommy and alyssa do what i saw my mom and that one brown man do that one night when i accidentaly walked in on them while they were making animal noises. i started throwing up everywhere.

i woke up the next morning while i was still outside. my mom asked me what in the heck i was doing outside. i didnt want tommy to get mad at me so i told her that i was pretending i was a dog and fell asleep. she yelled at me and told me my punishment was to stay outside all day. i didnt like that very much.

tommy came to the glass door and told me that even though the beer was good i didnt get him the right kind of bud. he said that i had until tomorrow to get it or he would tell my mom that i was gay. i thought gay meant happy, so i told him to go ahead and do it because i was gay and proud of it. he went and told mom and she started going ballistic. she called up the preacher from chruch and he came over to talk to me in my bedroom in private.

he tried to get me to do horrible things with him which is why i dont feel good and am sad today. i have been faking sick so i wouldnt have to go back to school and see bobby swanson but my mom is making me go back tomorrow. i dont know what im going to do.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

the bud

so i finally googled bud and the first sites was to a a company called budweiser that i think sells beer.

Budweiser
Official Budweiser beer site containing Anheuser-Busch history, commercials, screensavers, and product information.
www.budweiser.com/ - 7k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

i kno the name sounds familiar so i checked in my fridge and my mom keeps a 30 pack of budweisers in there always. i asked her why she buys 30 and she said because thats the largest amount they make. anyway i will give tommy my moms bud tomorrow so that we can be friends and he will help me get back at bobby swanson.

the holiday

tommy and mom and i had christmas last night and opened our gifts. i only asked for one thing this year and that was a american gladiator full figurine set. instead i got a gallon of milk and some cinamen toast crunch. i think the milk was bad because it was wrapped in the present pile for a whole week. mom gave cousin tommy a $300 giftcard to the gap. i asked mom where santa was this year because i didnt get my presents and she said that santa died in a horrible slay accident. i cried for about 2 hours.

tommy asked me again about bud. my mom made me go to bed before i could google it so i dont know what it is yet but i am going to find out. i think that if i can get whatever it is for tommy we can be friends and he will help me with my plans with bobby swanson.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

the cousin

tommy got here today. he wears really baggy pants and has an earing and a gold neklass and a tattoo. i think that he shaves because he has a sweet mustash. he is only 11. whenever he talks to me instead of saying my name he says homes. like… yo homes or whats cracking homes. i really dont understand much of what he is talking about but i pretend i do.

i asked tommy about california and he said they had awesome bud there. im not sure what bud is but i didnt want to sound stupid so i said that i loved bud more than i love anything in the world (except nitro). then he asked if i could get him some and i didnt know what to say. so i just said sure.

tonight after he goes to bed im going to google bud to see exactly what it is and where i can get it.

Monday, December 24, 2007

the message

im not sure where bobby is but he still hasnt been back to school. we are on holiday break right now so i guess i will have to wait until the new year to follow thru with my plans. im not sure if this has anything to do with my plans but i got this message on AIM a few days ago and i saved it to post it here...

xbs1x: i no it wuz u
xbs1x: when i get bak u r goin 2 pay
xbs1x: bigtime
kidnitro96: im not sopposed to talk to strangers on the internet my mom told me that chris hansen on msnbc cant catch all of the boy lovers in the world
xbs1x signed off at 12:39:23 PM.

im not sure who that was. i hope mr hansen catches him.

my cousin tommy is coming to live with us for a couple weeks becuz my uncle got in a shootout with the cops. he gets in later today. tommy is my age but lived in california for his whole life in a place called compton. i wonder if we will be friends.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the update

my power went out for the last week because my mom said she forgot to pay the bill. but then she took the elektrisity man into her room and had a talk with him (for 25 minutes) and he turned our lites back on. she is so smart.

bobby got out of jail last week but hasnt been back to school yet. i think that when he gets back i will still try to do everything else on my list to him. we have holiday break from school coming up on friday so i have to act fast before the new year. i am going to try to make him and his family think that they won a million dollars because they are really poor. i think that will teach him and i also think thats what nitro would do if he were me.

i also heard from some kids in school that american gladiators is coming back on tv with new shows. that is the best news i have ever heard since i found out i wasnt going to die from an overdose of flinstones vitamins. i hope nitro comes back and kicks everyones backsides to china.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

the plan pt. 2

well i tried my plan and it didnt go like i thought it would. here is what happened…

that morning i tried to pp in nitro but it didnt work because i peed the bed that night and i couldnt make any more potty. i was very mad but then i remembered i tried my moms brown drink before that she keeps on top of the icebox (it looks like pp). it tasted exactly like pee. i know because i have tasted pee before because bobby held me down and peed in my mouth once! i dont know why my mom would keep such a gross drink in the house but i figured it would probably have the same affect as pee on a human.

i put a lot of my moms brown drink in nitro. that morning i got on the bus and went to school and then to the lunch room. bobby was already sitting with his best friend (who lives in a trailer with his 8 brothers and sisters) named billy. there is a rumor going around the town that his dad has entercorse with his horses but i dont believe everything i see on youtube.

anyway i managed to get to bobbys oj after i placed a $10 bill i stole from my mom on the ground right by the lunchroom window and they both saw it. they ran after it and faught eachother for the $10 while i dumped nitro into his drink. after they were done fighting billy was crying and lieng on the ground. bobby ran inside to eat the rest of his breakfast really fast because he knew the principle was coming to get him. a crowd of kids and teachers was coming outside to see what was going on.

bobby drank his drink really fast and ate his breakfast when the pinrsiple got to the lunch room. i was very sad because bobby didnt even seem to notice the pee in his oj. i was ready to give up on my plan when the most amazing thing happened.

30 minutes later i was walking to my next class and i went outside and police mens were all over! i ran to see what was going on and they had bobby on the ground and sprayed him with mase right in his eyes! bobby started screaming for the cops to go to h e duble hockey sticks, and then one of the poliece men took out a club and hit him in his face!! i was so eksited that i almost threw up (i do that when i get eksited sometimes).

they took bobby to the polise cars and threw him in there. i asked the prinsiple what happened and he said bobby had “ingested alcohol” (i had to google that for the spelling). he said that bobby could go to jail. then i threw up all over the principle. that night when i went home id dint even mind my mom hitting me with her high heels in my head because i took her $10 and her brown drink. it was very worth it.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

the plan pt. 1

i have decided that i need to get back at bobby for what he did with the school video. im not sure what im going to do yet but i think i have a couple of ideas. i hope that he does not find this. if i go missing be sure to call the police because that means he found this somehow and probably tied me up and shoved me in a closet (like my uncle used to do).

ways to get back at bobby…

  • pee in his breakfast
  • pee in his lunch
  • make him think he won a million dollars (he is poor)
  • tell him his whole family is dead
  • embaress him infront of the entire school
  • pull his pants down in front of 8th grade girls

i think that i will do all of these things to him. each time i right i will update on how my plan is going.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

the pictures

bobby put the restroom pictures up on the daily school video that the whole 6th grade sees. i dont know how he did it.

im going to call nitro from american gladiators to come hurt him.

i am freaking serious.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

the bathroom

this happened a couple days ago...

everyday at school at 10:15am i go take a number 2 in the bathroom. today was no different. i went to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. i was almost done when someone came in. right when i was standing up the door to my stall got kicked opened and i was standing there with no pants face to face with the most evil person in the entire solar system. it was bobby swanson and he had a camera.

i tried to grab the camera but i fell because my pants were down. instead of helping me up he just took more pictures of me while i was on the ground. he took 15 pictures of me (i was only crying in 5 of them).

im not sure what he plans on doing with the pictures but i think i have a couple of ideas.

the karate class

my mom told me that she was tired of me getting beat up at school so she took me to a karate class last week. at first i was scared but she told me that everyone was very nice and that it is safe.

at my first day of class they gave me a white belt and uniform to put on and also a cup that i was supposed to put on my pp but i thought it was a face mask to protect my nose. after i got dressed i went into the class and started learning karate. all i could think about was hitting bobby swanson in the face and making him cry.

we started off learning to do kicks and punches. i was having a lot of fun until they told us we were going to be sparing with the other kids in the class. i got paired up with a 12 year old asian kid who looked like he had taken karate classes his entire life. i just tried to picture him as bobby swanson when we were sparing but i think i got a little to angry because i started crying and screaming at him trying to punch him. i think he got scared because he kicked me so hard in the face that i think i swallowed two of my teeth. he didnt stop there.

at first i was crying because i thought he was bobby swanson but then i started crying because i had just swallowed 2 teeth. he didnt care. he took his sparing glove off and punched me in the nose harder than 3 bobby swansons. of course it broke instantly and blood went flying all over the studio. my mom told me about this afterwards because i had already passed out at that point.

on the way home (or to the hospital i cant remember) i asked my mom why she didnt stop the big asian kid (parents could watch the entire class from behind glass). instead of answering she yelled at me for bleeding all over her volvo. i knew i should have worn my cup on my face.

the computer

i havent righted anything for a while because my computer got broken. usually when i dont get on the computer for a while its because someone at school broke both my hands again. but not this time… let me expliain.

i came home from school one day and saw a strange man at my house. this is pretty normal because my mom has guy friends over a lot (usually at night time). he was in my room on my computer which was really weird. i asked him what he was doing on my computer and he said nothing and shut down my computer really fast. after he left i turned my computer on.

when my computer turned all the way on i noticed that i kept getting pop up windows of naked people. i got scared and thought that i would get in trouble so i tried to delete all my folders on the computer. but somehow my mom walked in before i could delete everything and saw all the naked people on my monitor. she got so mad she walked over to my computer and picked it up and threw it at me. i fell over and it broke. sexy noises were still coming from the speakers.

it took me almost a month to put the computer back together but it is finally working now. my mom said if i look at naked people again she will throw my monitor at me next time. i think she is bluffing.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

the gift

so 2 weeks ago my mom told me that she had a big surprise for me. i have been a little scared of surprises because last time someone told me they got me a surprise it was bobby swanson. i was really hoping he got me a dinosaur but it turns out that my surprise was a flying knee to the upper jaw. in bobbys defence his flying knee had really good form.

even tho i was a little scared i was still wondering what my surprise was. that afternoon (before happy hour) when i got home from school i walked into my house to see a cat. mom told me that it was for me for being such a brave person because she doesnt know how i could get up every morning and not commit suicide. i didnt really understand what she was talking about. i think she had a few drinks before happy hour started.

i named my cat shadow because it had missing patches of hair… just like my head. i really liked having a cat but ryan was jealous that i had a new best friend. anyway… the cat and i became good friends. but one morning when i woke up i couldnt see anything. i also had trouble brething. i called for my mom as best i could but i couldnt make very loud sounds. finally she came in and started screaming.

i went to the hospital again. my eyes had swollen shut and my throat was closing up. i had to get two shots of adrenelin which are the most painful shots that you can get. i also stopped breathing for about 2 minutes the doctor said but i dont remember much of that.

after i went home my mom gave the cat to farmer henry. my mom says he took my cat to a farm … and then shot it. i think ryan had something to do with all of this.

Monday, November 5, 2007

the discovery

ok i have to make this post quick because i just figured something out that may change my life..... ill tell you what it is really fast (but then i have to go)

i was watching tv the other night (one of the three channels that we get) and this naked lady was on... kind of naked really she had her underpants on. anyway i was watching and i got a pants tent like i usually do when i think about alissa or baseball... and then the weirdest thing happened. for some reason i started getting this tingly feeling in my back and my pants got all wet.

im not sure what is going on here but im going to figure it out. i might ask my teacher tomorrow or bobby swanson... well see how things go.

the music

so i was at school listening to my kidz-bop caset with my headphones and caset player when bobby came up to me and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was listening to my kidz-bop caset and that he could have a listen if he wanted. he said he loved kidz-bop and asked wich album it was. i told him it was volume 3.... the best one ever created.

bobby took my caset player and and put the headphones on. he then dropped my caset player on the ground and said "oops". then he accidently stepped on the caset player 15 times. im not 100% sure but i think he meant to do that.

i told my teacher what happened when i went to class and instead of making things better i think she made things worse. she stood infront of the whole class and told everyone not to mess with my kidz-bop or caset player or headphones. since most of the kids in class listen to nelly on ipods with earbuds they decided the best corse of action would be to make fun of me. i probably deserved it.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

the haloween adventure

so this haloween i dressed up as nitro (my favorite hero of all time). i went trick or treating with ryan and got lots of candy. this one guy answered the door in a towel and told me that he had candy in his bedroom and that i should come get it. i almost did it but good thing i learned my lesson about going with a stranger for candy when i got kidnapped by that man downtown. i probably should have gone because he seemed like a good person and he said he had twix. i love twix. oh well.

on my way back ryan and i got stopped by bobby swanson and his friends. they were all dressed like ghosts with white pointed hoods on their heads. they were really scary. i asked how they were and instead of answering me they just took all of my candy and hit me in the face with a brick. luckily when i woke up bobby was getting beat up by a bunch of kids dressed up like the night (they were all black). they gave me my candy back and helped me back to my house. i liked them.

at home my mom asked me how trick or treating went. i told her everything went fine until she noticed the imprint of brick on my face. good thing she was too drunk to ask me if i was ok because she just went directly to her room. i love my mom.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

the hikoo

today ryan sent me this hikoo because he thinks im totally cool....

jonathan you are
so awesome, so much better
than bobby swanson

thanks ryan youre the best imaginary friend a kid could have

Sunday, October 28, 2007

the nightime talk

last night i stayed up late with alissa while my mom was at happy hour. we watch teenage mutant ninja turtle reruns which was totally freaking sweet. my mom finally came home around 9pm with a stranger friend. they went to the bedroom to go have a “nighttime talk” as my mom likes to call them. usually black people have nightime talks with her (they are good listeners i think) but this person wasnt black… he was more of a reddish brownish color.

i went to bed around 9:30 and alissa left. while i was trying to fall asleep i heard this really loud thumping noise against my wall. it also sounded like the stranger friend my mom was in pain because he was groaning really really load. i was very curious why he was in pain so i got up out of my bed and went to my moms bedroom door. my mom told me never to come in her room when she had a friend over but i figured this time it would be ok if i interrupted there nighttime talks bc someone could be in danger! i opened the door and walked into the room.

i really dont know how to describe what i saw... im going to do some research by watching animal planet tomorrow and see if i can figure it out.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

the overdose

ok so i am really against drugs. i think that drugs are bad and that you should not do them. D.A.R.E is what my friends always say… but usually when they say that they follow it with “you to kill yourself” or something along those lines…… my friends are hilarious.

this happened to me a few months back, but i didnt have anything to right about today so i will right about this. i had woken up early in the morning because i had peed the bed (only the 3rd time for the week) and went to the kitchen to get an early breakfast. i saw that my mom had bought flinstones vitamins (the gummy kind). i really like fruit snacks and candy so i had some. i thought theyd be good for you since they were vitamins but i guess when you eat 50 of them (entire bottle) for breakfast in one sitting they lose their nutrishunal value.

i guess i blacked out because my mom told me the rest of the story but she said that she took me to the hospital when she found me passed out in the kitchen with the open bottle of flinstones vitamins. i was in the hospital on a ventilator my mom says in critical condition for the next week and a half because my liver kidneys pancreas and spleen were all overloaded. the doctor gave me a 50/50 chance.

when i recovered they had this counseler come talk to me. this counseler was a lot like the one from school except less creepy and didnt tell me he wanted to have sex with me. the counseler asked me a lot of questions like “do you get made fun of at school” and “do you ever cry yourself to sleep”. i answered yes to almost all of his questions. he had a talk with my mom outside and came back in and told me i was suicidal. i didnt know what that meant at the time so i agreed with them.

when i got home i googled it.

self-destructive: dangerous to yourself or your interests; "suicidal impulses"; "a suicidal corporate takeover strategy"; "a kamikaze pilot"

i guess i am supposed to be a pilot when i grow up.

the NOT friend

so i am 75% certain it was a trick by bobby swanson after all. the next day at lunch while i was eating with bo he replaced my soy milk with real milk while i was getting napkins to use as my bib. when i got back and drank the real milk i instantly started throwing up all over the place. i got really embaressed and acted like nothing had happened because the whole 6th grade was watching me. i just sat down with throwup all over my food and lap and bib and started eating like everything was normal. i think i fooled them.

Susie Jenkins told me that i smelled like rotten eggs when she walked by me but that isn’t anything out of the ordinary. at least its better than smelling like the boys urinals (which i usually do and cannot figure out why). i think it has something to do with my peeing the bed.

anyway i guess i will not be hanging out with bo anymore..... i like ryan better anyway.

the friend

today i think i made a new friend. im not sure tho since the last time i had a real friend i was 4. i dont really remember him because he died of sars when i was 5. at least that is what my mom told me.

i was at school when this kid named bo sat with me at lunch while i was talking to ryan (imaginary) and nitro. we were having a deep chat about global politics when bo asked if he could eat with me. i said ok. i was skeptical at first because i thot it might be a trick by bobby but i dont think bobby is that good at makeup.

bo and i talked for a while about cool stuff like power rangers… pokeman cards… ice cream and other totally awesome topics. i was so excited i didnt even finish my mung bean extract (my favorite) or my soy milk. we went back to class when lunch was over.

thats pretty much it for today… i will update more on the friend situashun tomorrow.

the trip pt. 2

so i was downtown with no money and my American gladiators lunchbox with no idea what to do. i know my mom told me not to talk to strangers but i think i had to. i had to make sure i only talked to the most honest looking adult i could find.

i talked to an older guy who told me he had candy in his van. his van had no windows but i figured since he had candy he was probably really honest. he told me i had to sit in the back and put rope on my legs so i did. i think the rope was some sort of seat belt. the man did have some candy but he didnt ask me where i lived…he just started driving which was strange. i wasnt paying much attention tho.

we were going pretty fast i think and i heard sirens and everything. next thing that i kno two police men (just like you see in the movies) were opening the back door to let me out. i told them the man was just taking me home and that i was to young to go to jail. the police officers put me in the squad car and took me home.

it was a good thing my mom was home when we got there. i thought she would cry or faints seeing me pull up in a police car for the third time this year but the police told her everything that happened. after the police dropped me off and explained everything that happened my mom started crying. im really not sure why… i think she might be on her period.

that night we watched the news together and saw the candy man on the news. im starting to think that i shouldnt have eaten that candy….. i should have held out for money or something of more value.

the trip pt. 1

today was a field trip at my school to the zoo. the entire 6th grade class got to go and i was very excited. my mom packed me an extra special all-ketchup-packet lunch with a banana to feed the monkeys. she also filled nitro with apple juice instead of the regular non dairy mung bean extract that my doctor proscribed to me. this was a pleasant surprise. i can only have apple juice 1 time a year bc of my alergie to both apples and juice…. and most things liquid. it was looking like it was going to be a great day.

when i got to school everyone was packing up to go to the zoo. while i was going to get in line to get on the bus bobby thought it would be funny to push me into a pole while i was walking. i did not find this very funny but… the entire class did. i stumbled around for a minute and got back in line. i was finally on the bus.

about half way to the zoo i noticed that none of my friends (classmates) were on the bus. looking around there were only kids in wheel chairs and the bus was really small….. a lot shorter than the normal busses. i would have gotten up to ask an adult what was going on but my mom told me not to talk to strangers. i saw adults look at me a few times but they never said anything.. i must have looked like i belonged there.

after 15 minutes kids started getting off of the bus but we were not at the zoo. an adult finally came up to me and asked me where my house was and what my name was. i gave her a fake address because i did not know her and my mom told me never to give my address to a stranger. i asked her where we were going and she told me that everyone on the bus got to have a special half day and go home instead of going to the zoo. she kept talking tome like i was 5 years old which i did not understand. i told her i watned to go to the zoo and repeated myself over and over. she went to the back and got a muzzle and put it on my head.

the bus dropped me off at the fake address that i gave them (i guess it exizted) and took my muzzle off. before i could tell them i fibbed they had driven off. i think i was in downtown because none of the cars had hubcaps on them. my mom says that black people live downtown. she is an expert on black people because she brings them home a lot after happy hour to have talks in her bedroom. i think black people must be good listeners.

its almost 6:30 and my bedtime so i will finish the story tomorrow of how i got home.

the visit

today was a very bad day. grandma came to live with us because of the fires burned her home down in California. it was really sad but that is not what made today really bad. what happened today is way worse than her home burning down in California.

today while i was getting ready for school i was changing out of my spiderman nitey and putting on my regular suspenders and pants. when i walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth i saw my grandmother in the bathroom. the bad part about this was that she did not have any clothes on. for some reason instead of closing the door i just stood there while she screamed. i think her hideous boils distracted me. i saw her boobs… they were down by her knees i think.

i was feeling really bad that day at school about what had happened and because my mom yelled at me for looking at my grandma naked so i decided to write about my feelings on some paper. i wrote about how i saw my grammy naked and how that made me feel. i wrote about her saggy boobs and her gross dry virginia. i even drew pictures.

i was minding my own biznes righting when bobby swanson came over and stole the paper from me. i told him to give it back but instead he read it out loud infront of the whole class when the teacher was out of the room. they all laffed. when the teacher got back he gave the paper to the teacher and acted like he had just found it on the ground… he also put my name on it with his own pencil. i got sent to the prinsipels office where my mother was called for the 25th time this month. grandma went to go live with my aunt.

Monday, October 22, 2007

the secret

yesterday i was eating my cornuts and staring at nitro during lunch time when bobby came up to me and told me that he had a secret. he said the secret was so secret that no one else could ever find out about it especially adults. i wanted to know the secret so badly so i told him to tell me. he said no that it was to big of a secret to tell anyone. i told him he could beat me up if he told me. he said ok.

bobby told me that he had found the secret to getting super powers. he said that pee (number 1) if drunk within 15 minutes would give you super human strength. i believed him because he told me that this was a secret and that grown ups could not know. he would not lie about something like this. also if i drank the pee he would not be able to beat me because i would be strong so i was left without options.

after bobby was done telling me i went to the bathroom and filled up my nitro thermos with pee . i went back to the table and started to drink from nitro. as i was doing this bobby came over and punched me in the stomach really hard. all the pee went flying out of my mouth on to the table next to me just as nurse henry was walking by. i think some of my number 1 got on nurse henry because she started screaming.

i did not get super human strength because i was not able to fully swallow. because i was not able to get super human strength bobby swanson beat me up so badly that my pee is now red. i plan on trying to get super powers again tomorrow or whenever my number 1 turns back to its original color (green)... whichever comes first.

the spelling be

today the entire 6th grade was forced to be in the school spelling be. i always get nervous when i am on stage and have to talk in front of people so this was really scary. all the parents were in the crowd watching and that made me even more nervous. it is a good thing that i am a very good speler. i waited for my turn and when i went up, my word was gravy. i spelled the word g-r-a-v-y and went to the next round.

after 5 more rounds it was down to the final 10 and i was doing very well. i could tell my mom was excited, and i was happy because bobby swanson got out on the word telephone. he is kind of an idiot. the word i needed to spell was parasite. i thought for a few minutes and spelled the world p-a-r-a-s-i-t-e. this put me in the next round were there were only 3 of us left. i started to get more nervous but i though i could win it easily.

i got up and my word was organism. i got up to the stage and was very happy because this was a word i had spelled a lot. i went to the microphone and spelled o-r-g-a-s-m. everyone in the crowd starting gasping and i thought i heard the sound of my mom crying. they canceled the rest of the spelling be after that.

when i got home i googled the word that i had spelled and this is what i found…

Orgasm: The psychological and physical thrill that accompanies sexual climax.

I only know 3 of those words in that sentance so i am still not sure what it means.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

the deal

today my mom didnt wake up at 7am like she usually does to pack my lunch into my american gladiators lunch box. i think she had a little to much fun at happy hour the night before. the thought of nitro being all alone really bothered me so i decided to pack my own lunch that day because i didnt have any money to by school lunch.

i made a pbj sandwich and put soda in my American gladiators thermous. nitro looked happy after i put orange soda in there. when i got to school i sat down with the usual crew of friends (imaginary) and oepend my lunch box. when i was opening my thermous it exploded. lots of soda got on bobby swanson who was sitting at the table next to me and he did not like that one bit.

bobby came over to me and said he would make me a deal. he told me if i agreed to let him draw on my face with permanent marker he would not beat me up. i have learned that when someone makes you a deal to good to be true you take it. i agreed.

when i went back to class the teacher was not very happy and she sent me to the nurses office to have my face washed. when i went to the bathroom to look in the mirror i saw that bobby had klevery connected my freckles like a connect the dots to make a giant PP on my face. i did not see what the big deal was but i went to the nurses office anyway. it turns out that permanent marker does not come off your face very easily and that i would have to wait until my skin replaced itself said nurse henry. she told me that it happens every 2 weeks so that i would have to live with it until then. when my mom saw what was on my face that night she cried. i dont think its that bad tho.

the game

today on the recess yard bobby swanson came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play a game with the rest of the class. after putting on my activity goggles that my mom bought for me i said sure. we went to the other part of the yard and the almost the whole class was already ready waiting for me before they started the game. i felt really special.

susie pulled out a ball that appeared to be made out of brown stuff with white stiches all over it and started throwing it around. bobby said the name of the game was “kill the man with the ball”. at first i thought someone might get hurt then i thought i was just being stupid. whats the worst that could happen in a game called “kill the man with the ball”.

i asked what the rules to this game were and he told me that i would figure it out quickly enough and just to play along. i said ok.

bobby grabbed the ball and through it towards me. i had never caught a ball before so it hit me right in the nose. it hurt for about 5 minutes and i cried a little bit but i didnt let anyone else see that. what hurt more was actually being tackled by the entire class directly aftward picking the ball up off of the ground. we repeated this process maybe 15 times. now tha ti think about it i dont remember anyone else having the ball the entire recess period but then again i dont really remember much from that recess period either.

i think i ended up in the nurses office somehow but i cant be entirely sure as i think my next memory was going to school the next day. i think i might have accidently stepped on bobby’s time machine while i was walking back to class.

the website

today was my first day of computer class. i am really good with computers because my best friend is a computer. anyway…. during class the teacher was telling us how to create word documents (BORING). i was not interested in making word documents because i already know how to make word documents. instead of making word documents i decided that i should go on the internet.

i was sitting next to bobby swanson in class and he told me abou this awesome website that he had seen at home. i didnt want to be left out so i asked him for the link to the page. he told me it was some sort of chicken breeding website that you could order little baby chickens to be your pets. i love chickens almost as much as i love cornuts so i decided to give it a try. the link was to a page called cupchicks but i did not find any chickens on that site.

when i was looking at it the teacher came over. i guess i should have turned the volume down on it. two girls were making a number 2 into one cup then rubbing it all over there faces. when the teacher saw this i think she almost had a heart attack because she kept gasping for breath and grabbing for things to hold on to like she was going to faint. she got so upset that she sent me to the principels offise.

the principel was in the offise with the couseler again and they started to ask me questions. the counseler kept asking me wher ei had gotten the link to the webpage and i made up a fib and told her that it was my moms homepage and that she made me go to the site everyday because i did not want to get bobby in trouble.

the principel called my mom and she came to get me. it wasnt a very pleasant ride home.

the time machine

today at recess bobby swanson came to me and told me that he had created a time machine. at first i wanted to believe him but then i remembered the time he pushed me off the jungle jim and thought that maybe that was a bad idea. i told bobby that i did not believe him and he said that he could prove to me that it was real.

i followed him to the other side of the recess yard where there was a piece of cardboard and two sticks in the shape of an X on top of it. bobby told me to stand back and put on the pair of goggles that he had stolen from the science lab in our classroom. thiking that the cardboard did really look like a time machine..... i put the glasses on. then he jumped on the cardboard and yelled really loud. this scared me.

the next thing i knew i woke up in the nurses office. i looked at the clock, and 30 minutes had gone by since recess. bobby really did create a time machine! it was then that i noticed that my face hurt really really bad. i figured it must have been some sort of effect of traveling through space and time.

the nurse called my mom and told her that my sinus kavitys had almost collapsed and that i might have a broken nose. when my mom asked me what happened i knew that she wouldnt believe me so i told her that i ran myself into a tree because i thought i was being chased by pirates. she yelled at me.

maybe one day i will tell her the truth.

the lipstick

about 2 weeks ago my mom left for happy hour. before leaving she does her makeup all fancy and makes her hair big and wears big hoop earings. wanting to see what the fuss was all about... i went into her bathroom after she had left. i started trying on her lipstick and her shoes and her earings and her big leather boots. i didnt see what the big deal was so i took all her clothes and everything off and fell asleep in the living room. a few hours later my mom woke me up and was really mad and asked why i had lipstick all over my face. i didnt know what to tell her so i said that i thought it was a popscicle and tried to eat it. she rushed me to the hospital and i had my stomach pumped. it hurt alot.

i stayed home from school the next day. instead of my mom leaving me alone during happy hour she got me a babysitter named alissa. i have talked about alissa before but she is so amazing that i want to talk about her again. alissa is a grown up... probably 16 or 17 years old. and she is the smartest person i know. i can ask her anything and shell give me the correct answer. that night we started talking and i asked her the question that i had wondered about for a long time. where did babies come from? alissa said that babies came from the moms “virginia” after a boy sticks his “pennsilvania” in it and shoots baby juice all over her insides. i think she was lying.

when mom came home i asked her about what alissa had said. she smelled like rubbing alcohol and fell asleep before she could answer the question. the next day at school i asked bobby swanson where babies came from. instead of giving me an answer he told all the girls in my class that i was a vagina, and that i liked it when men put their baby juice in my mouth. i think he misunderstood my question.

its 6:30pm and my bedtime so i will write some more tomorrow.

the jungle jim

my mom stopped putting you are wonderful notes in my American gladiators lunch box. i think its because i lied to the police about being touched and abused by my parents but you never know with her. she goes to happy hour a lot but i like that because she leaves me with my babby sitter alissa. alissa is tall and has big forearms. she also has really small feet which makes me feel tingly in my pants.

yesterday alissa came over and we played some uno and watched tv. i started asking alissa things i was curious about like,what is a period and do girls ever have lesbian sleep overs. alissa told my mom when she came home that night. it was a good thing mom was drunk because she probably would have been mad if she remembered in the morning.

that day at school i was playing on the swings with my best friend andy (imaginary) when bobby swanson came over to me. bobby told me that i had better come with him right away because he had discovered something amazing. i followed him to the other side of the recess yard where the jungle jim dome was. we both climbed to the top and he told me to look and pointed behind me. when i turned to look he pushed me off. i thought i had broke my arm, but it turns out it was just dislocated. the nurse called my mom and i got in trouble for falling off the jungle jim for the 3rd time this month.

the lie

at lunch i usually eat at my table with my imaginary friends. today bobby swanson sat down and told me that i wasnt born but that i was hatched from an egg in the suers. at first i didnt believe him but then he made some very good arguments like pointing out my webbed feet and my bald spots. that night i asked my mother about the issue after she got home from happy hour. she told me that she wished i was never born. at least she didnt say hatched. i think bobby was lying.

the next day at school i told bobby that he was lying and he beat me up badly. i went to class with a black eye and everyone asked what happened. not wanting to get my ass kicked more by bobby i told them that my dad had punched me in the face because i wouldnt get him another beer while he was watching nascar. it turns out that that was the wrong thing to tell everyone.

i got called into the principels office. he was sitting there with the counseler and they were both asking if i had ever been touched by my parents. i didnt know what they were talking about, so i said yes… because who hasnt been touched by their parents? it wasnt until a little while later i think i figured out they weren’t talking about normal touching.

a poliece officer came also and asked if my father had ever done this before. not wanting to get in more trouble than i already did i told him the only thing i could think of….. and that was yes. my mother was called and came to pick me up. she told to the officers and medical workers the truth that my dad had left when i was 6. i got in a lot of trouble for fibbing.

Jonathans blog - START HERE!

my name is Jonathan and i am 12 years old. i am in the 6th grade, and i like girls cornuts american gladiators and pokemon. cornuts are a nutrional and tasty snack that my mom packs for me everyday in my american gladiators lunch box to take to school. school lunches are to expensive my mom says.

i am starting this blog so i can get out my feelings and anger on the internet. i dont think anyone reading this would know me because i did not put my last name. if you are reading this and do know me please do not tell my friends because they would make fun of me or beat me up more severly than they already do.

i am trying to use spell check on this blog but some of the words might not get fixed because i am color blind and cannot see if the word is underlined in red or not. i am also a little bit crosseyed and people tell me i smell like the boys urinals.

last week i was sitting in math class and got a pants tent while day dreaming about my new babysitter alissa (my mom has made me stay with one ever since i tried eating one of her lipsticks thinking it was a popscicle while she was at happy hour but i will blog about that later). as i was daydreaming the teacher called my name to come solve a long division problem on the board in front of the class. i do not know how the teacher knew what was happening in my pants but i know she did because she likes to humileate me infront of the class for no apparent reason alot. when she called on me i told her that i could not go to the board because both of my legs were asleep and i could not walk. she did not think this was funny and told me that if i did not come to the board that she would call my father. i told her my father was dead and started crying in front of everyone. lucky for me she baught the story and told me i didnt have to come up to the blackboard. sucker.

not everyone in class felt bad for me. after class bobby swanson shoved me into the girls bathroom again after pulling my pants down. at least i didnt have a erekshun this time so it wasnt so bad.