Wednesday, October 31, 2007

the hikoo

today ryan sent me this hikoo because he thinks im totally cool....

jonathan you are
so awesome, so much better
than bobby swanson

thanks ryan youre the best imaginary friend a kid could have

Sunday, October 28, 2007

the nightime talk

last night i stayed up late with alissa while my mom was at happy hour. we watch teenage mutant ninja turtle reruns which was totally freaking sweet. my mom finally came home around 9pm with a stranger friend. they went to the bedroom to go have a “nighttime talk” as my mom likes to call them. usually black people have nightime talks with her (they are good listeners i think) but this person wasnt black… he was more of a reddish brownish color.

i went to bed around 9:30 and alissa left. while i was trying to fall asleep i heard this really loud thumping noise against my wall. it also sounded like the stranger friend my mom was in pain because he was groaning really really load. i was very curious why he was in pain so i got up out of my bed and went to my moms bedroom door. my mom told me never to come in her room when she had a friend over but i figured this time it would be ok if i interrupted there nighttime talks bc someone could be in danger! i opened the door and walked into the room.

i really dont know how to describe what i saw... im going to do some research by watching animal planet tomorrow and see if i can figure it out.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

the overdose

ok so i am really against drugs. i think that drugs are bad and that you should not do them. D.A.R.E is what my friends always say… but usually when they say that they follow it with “you to kill yourself” or something along those lines…… my friends are hilarious.

this happened to me a few months back, but i didnt have anything to right about today so i will right about this. i had woken up early in the morning because i had peed the bed (only the 3rd time for the week) and went to the kitchen to get an early breakfast. i saw that my mom had bought flinstones vitamins (the gummy kind). i really like fruit snacks and candy so i had some. i thought theyd be good for you since they were vitamins but i guess when you eat 50 of them (entire bottle) for breakfast in one sitting they lose their nutrishunal value.

i guess i blacked out because my mom told me the rest of the story but she said that she took me to the hospital when she found me passed out in the kitchen with the open bottle of flinstones vitamins. i was in the hospital on a ventilator my mom says in critical condition for the next week and a half because my liver kidneys pancreas and spleen were all overloaded. the doctor gave me a 50/50 chance.

when i recovered they had this counseler come talk to me. this counseler was a lot like the one from school except less creepy and didnt tell me he wanted to have sex with me. the counseler asked me a lot of questions like “do you get made fun of at school” and “do you ever cry yourself to sleep”. i answered yes to almost all of his questions. he had a talk with my mom outside and came back in and told me i was suicidal. i didnt know what that meant at the time so i agreed with them.

when i got home i googled it.

self-destructive: dangerous to yourself or your interests; "suicidal impulses"; "a suicidal corporate takeover strategy"; "a kamikaze pilot"

i guess i am supposed to be a pilot when i grow up.

the NOT friend

so i am 75% certain it was a trick by bobby swanson after all. the next day at lunch while i was eating with bo he replaced my soy milk with real milk while i was getting napkins to use as my bib. when i got back and drank the real milk i instantly started throwing up all over the place. i got really embaressed and acted like nothing had happened because the whole 6th grade was watching me. i just sat down with throwup all over my food and lap and bib and started eating like everything was normal. i think i fooled them.

Susie Jenkins told me that i smelled like rotten eggs when she walked by me but that isn’t anything out of the ordinary. at least its better than smelling like the boys urinals (which i usually do and cannot figure out why). i think it has something to do with my peeing the bed.

anyway i guess i will not be hanging out with bo anymore..... i like ryan better anyway.

the friend

today i think i made a new friend. im not sure tho since the last time i had a real friend i was 4. i dont really remember him because he died of sars when i was 5. at least that is what my mom told me.

i was at school when this kid named bo sat with me at lunch while i was talking to ryan (imaginary) and nitro. we were having a deep chat about global politics when bo asked if he could eat with me. i said ok. i was skeptical at first because i thot it might be a trick by bobby but i dont think bobby is that good at makeup.

bo and i talked for a while about cool stuff like power rangers… pokeman cards… ice cream and other totally awesome topics. i was so excited i didnt even finish my mung bean extract (my favorite) or my soy milk. we went back to class when lunch was over.

thats pretty much it for today… i will update more on the friend situashun tomorrow.

the trip pt. 2

so i was downtown with no money and my American gladiators lunchbox with no idea what to do. i know my mom told me not to talk to strangers but i think i had to. i had to make sure i only talked to the most honest looking adult i could find.

i talked to an older guy who told me he had candy in his van. his van had no windows but i figured since he had candy he was probably really honest. he told me i had to sit in the back and put rope on my legs so i did. i think the rope was some sort of seat belt. the man did have some candy but he didnt ask me where i lived…he just started driving which was strange. i wasnt paying much attention tho.

we were going pretty fast i think and i heard sirens and everything. next thing that i kno two police men (just like you see in the movies) were opening the back door to let me out. i told them the man was just taking me home and that i was to young to go to jail. the police officers put me in the squad car and took me home.

it was a good thing my mom was home when we got there. i thought she would cry or faints seeing me pull up in a police car for the third time this year but the police told her everything that happened. after the police dropped me off and explained everything that happened my mom started crying. im really not sure why… i think she might be on her period.

that night we watched the news together and saw the candy man on the news. im starting to think that i shouldnt have eaten that candy….. i should have held out for money or something of more value.

the trip pt. 1

today was a field trip at my school to the zoo. the entire 6th grade class got to go and i was very excited. my mom packed me an extra special all-ketchup-packet lunch with a banana to feed the monkeys. she also filled nitro with apple juice instead of the regular non dairy mung bean extract that my doctor proscribed to me. this was a pleasant surprise. i can only have apple juice 1 time a year bc of my alergie to both apples and juice…. and most things liquid. it was looking like it was going to be a great day.

when i got to school everyone was packing up to go to the zoo. while i was going to get in line to get on the bus bobby thought it would be funny to push me into a pole while i was walking. i did not find this very funny but… the entire class did. i stumbled around for a minute and got back in line. i was finally on the bus.

about half way to the zoo i noticed that none of my friends (classmates) were on the bus. looking around there were only kids in wheel chairs and the bus was really small….. a lot shorter than the normal busses. i would have gotten up to ask an adult what was going on but my mom told me not to talk to strangers. i saw adults look at me a few times but they never said anything.. i must have looked like i belonged there.

after 15 minutes kids started getting off of the bus but we were not at the zoo. an adult finally came up to me and asked me where my house was and what my name was. i gave her a fake address because i did not know her and my mom told me never to give my address to a stranger. i asked her where we were going and she told me that everyone on the bus got to have a special half day and go home instead of going to the zoo. she kept talking tome like i was 5 years old which i did not understand. i told her i watned to go to the zoo and repeated myself over and over. she went to the back and got a muzzle and put it on my head.

the bus dropped me off at the fake address that i gave them (i guess it exizted) and took my muzzle off. before i could tell them i fibbed they had driven off. i think i was in downtown because none of the cars had hubcaps on them. my mom says that black people live downtown. she is an expert on black people because she brings them home a lot after happy hour to have talks in her bedroom. i think black people must be good listeners.

its almost 6:30 and my bedtime so i will finish the story tomorrow of how i got home.

the visit

today was a very bad day. grandma came to live with us because of the fires burned her home down in California. it was really sad but that is not what made today really bad. what happened today is way worse than her home burning down in California.

today while i was getting ready for school i was changing out of my spiderman nitey and putting on my regular suspenders and pants. when i walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth i saw my grandmother in the bathroom. the bad part about this was that she did not have any clothes on. for some reason instead of closing the door i just stood there while she screamed. i think her hideous boils distracted me. i saw her boobs… they were down by her knees i think.

i was feeling really bad that day at school about what had happened and because my mom yelled at me for looking at my grandma naked so i decided to write about my feelings on some paper. i wrote about how i saw my grammy naked and how that made me feel. i wrote about her saggy boobs and her gross dry virginia. i even drew pictures.

i was minding my own biznes righting when bobby swanson came over and stole the paper from me. i told him to give it back but instead he read it out loud infront of the whole class when the teacher was out of the room. they all laffed. when the teacher got back he gave the paper to the teacher and acted like he had just found it on the ground… he also put my name on it with his own pencil. i got sent to the prinsipels office where my mother was called for the 25th time this month. grandma went to go live with my aunt.

Monday, October 22, 2007

the secret

yesterday i was eating my cornuts and staring at nitro during lunch time when bobby came up to me and told me that he had a secret. he said the secret was so secret that no one else could ever find out about it especially adults. i wanted to know the secret so badly so i told him to tell me. he said no that it was to big of a secret to tell anyone. i told him he could beat me up if he told me. he said ok.

bobby told me that he had found the secret to getting super powers. he said that pee (number 1) if drunk within 15 minutes would give you super human strength. i believed him because he told me that this was a secret and that grown ups could not know. he would not lie about something like this. also if i drank the pee he would not be able to beat me because i would be strong so i was left without options.

after bobby was done telling me i went to the bathroom and filled up my nitro thermos with pee . i went back to the table and started to drink from nitro. as i was doing this bobby came over and punched me in the stomach really hard. all the pee went flying out of my mouth on to the table next to me just as nurse henry was walking by. i think some of my number 1 got on nurse henry because she started screaming.

i did not get super human strength because i was not able to fully swallow. because i was not able to get super human strength bobby swanson beat me up so badly that my pee is now red. i plan on trying to get super powers again tomorrow or whenever my number 1 turns back to its original color (green)... whichever comes first.

the spelling be

today the entire 6th grade was forced to be in the school spelling be. i always get nervous when i am on stage and have to talk in front of people so this was really scary. all the parents were in the crowd watching and that made me even more nervous. it is a good thing that i am a very good speler. i waited for my turn and when i went up, my word was gravy. i spelled the word g-r-a-v-y and went to the next round.

after 5 more rounds it was down to the final 10 and i was doing very well. i could tell my mom was excited, and i was happy because bobby swanson got out on the word telephone. he is kind of an idiot. the word i needed to spell was parasite. i thought for a few minutes and spelled the world p-a-r-a-s-i-t-e. this put me in the next round were there were only 3 of us left. i started to get more nervous but i though i could win it easily.

i got up and my word was organism. i got up to the stage and was very happy because this was a word i had spelled a lot. i went to the microphone and spelled o-r-g-a-s-m. everyone in the crowd starting gasping and i thought i heard the sound of my mom crying. they canceled the rest of the spelling be after that.

when i got home i googled the word that i had spelled and this is what i found…

Orgasm: The psychological and physical thrill that accompanies sexual climax.

I only know 3 of those words in that sentance so i am still not sure what it means.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

the deal

today my mom didnt wake up at 7am like she usually does to pack my lunch into my american gladiators lunch box. i think she had a little to much fun at happy hour the night before. the thought of nitro being all alone really bothered me so i decided to pack my own lunch that day because i didnt have any money to by school lunch.

i made a pbj sandwich and put soda in my American gladiators thermous. nitro looked happy after i put orange soda in there. when i got to school i sat down with the usual crew of friends (imaginary) and oepend my lunch box. when i was opening my thermous it exploded. lots of soda got on bobby swanson who was sitting at the table next to me and he did not like that one bit.

bobby came over to me and said he would make me a deal. he told me if i agreed to let him draw on my face with permanent marker he would not beat me up. i have learned that when someone makes you a deal to good to be true you take it. i agreed.

when i went back to class the teacher was not very happy and she sent me to the nurses office to have my face washed. when i went to the bathroom to look in the mirror i saw that bobby had klevery connected my freckles like a connect the dots to make a giant PP on my face. i did not see what the big deal was but i went to the nurses office anyway. it turns out that permanent marker does not come off your face very easily and that i would have to wait until my skin replaced itself said nurse henry. she told me that it happens every 2 weeks so that i would have to live with it until then. when my mom saw what was on my face that night she cried. i dont think its that bad tho.

the game

today on the recess yard bobby swanson came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play a game with the rest of the class. after putting on my activity goggles that my mom bought for me i said sure. we went to the other part of the yard and the almost the whole class was already ready waiting for me before they started the game. i felt really special.

susie pulled out a ball that appeared to be made out of brown stuff with white stiches all over it and started throwing it around. bobby said the name of the game was “kill the man with the ball”. at first i thought someone might get hurt then i thought i was just being stupid. whats the worst that could happen in a game called “kill the man with the ball”.

i asked what the rules to this game were and he told me that i would figure it out quickly enough and just to play along. i said ok.

bobby grabbed the ball and through it towards me. i had never caught a ball before so it hit me right in the nose. it hurt for about 5 minutes and i cried a little bit but i didnt let anyone else see that. what hurt more was actually being tackled by the entire class directly aftward picking the ball up off of the ground. we repeated this process maybe 15 times. now tha ti think about it i dont remember anyone else having the ball the entire recess period but then again i dont really remember much from that recess period either.

i think i ended up in the nurses office somehow but i cant be entirely sure as i think my next memory was going to school the next day. i think i might have accidently stepped on bobby’s time machine while i was walking back to class.

the website

today was my first day of computer class. i am really good with computers because my best friend is a computer. anyway…. during class the teacher was telling us how to create word documents (BORING). i was not interested in making word documents because i already know how to make word documents. instead of making word documents i decided that i should go on the internet.

i was sitting next to bobby swanson in class and he told me abou this awesome website that he had seen at home. i didnt want to be left out so i asked him for the link to the page. he told me it was some sort of chicken breeding website that you could order little baby chickens to be your pets. i love chickens almost as much as i love cornuts so i decided to give it a try. the link was to a page called cupchicks but i did not find any chickens on that site.

when i was looking at it the teacher came over. i guess i should have turned the volume down on it. two girls were making a number 2 into one cup then rubbing it all over there faces. when the teacher saw this i think she almost had a heart attack because she kept gasping for breath and grabbing for things to hold on to like she was going to faint. she got so upset that she sent me to the principels offise.

the principel was in the offise with the couseler again and they started to ask me questions. the counseler kept asking me wher ei had gotten the link to the webpage and i made up a fib and told her that it was my moms homepage and that she made me go to the site everyday because i did not want to get bobby in trouble.

the principel called my mom and she came to get me. it wasnt a very pleasant ride home.

the time machine

today at recess bobby swanson came to me and told me that he had created a time machine. at first i wanted to believe him but then i remembered the time he pushed me off the jungle jim and thought that maybe that was a bad idea. i told bobby that i did not believe him and he said that he could prove to me that it was real.

i followed him to the other side of the recess yard where there was a piece of cardboard and two sticks in the shape of an X on top of it. bobby told me to stand back and put on the pair of goggles that he had stolen from the science lab in our classroom. thiking that the cardboard did really look like a time machine..... i put the glasses on. then he jumped on the cardboard and yelled really loud. this scared me.

the next thing i knew i woke up in the nurses office. i looked at the clock, and 30 minutes had gone by since recess. bobby really did create a time machine! it was then that i noticed that my face hurt really really bad. i figured it must have been some sort of effect of traveling through space and time.

the nurse called my mom and told her that my sinus kavitys had almost collapsed and that i might have a broken nose. when my mom asked me what happened i knew that she wouldnt believe me so i told her that i ran myself into a tree because i thought i was being chased by pirates. she yelled at me.

maybe one day i will tell her the truth.

the lipstick

about 2 weeks ago my mom left for happy hour. before leaving she does her makeup all fancy and makes her hair big and wears big hoop earings. wanting to see what the fuss was all about... i went into her bathroom after she had left. i started trying on her lipstick and her shoes and her earings and her big leather boots. i didnt see what the big deal was so i took all her clothes and everything off and fell asleep in the living room. a few hours later my mom woke me up and was really mad and asked why i had lipstick all over my face. i didnt know what to tell her so i said that i thought it was a popscicle and tried to eat it. she rushed me to the hospital and i had my stomach pumped. it hurt alot.

i stayed home from school the next day. instead of my mom leaving me alone during happy hour she got me a babysitter named alissa. i have talked about alissa before but she is so amazing that i want to talk about her again. alissa is a grown up... probably 16 or 17 years old. and she is the smartest person i know. i can ask her anything and shell give me the correct answer. that night we started talking and i asked her the question that i had wondered about for a long time. where did babies come from? alissa said that babies came from the moms “virginia” after a boy sticks his “pennsilvania” in it and shoots baby juice all over her insides. i think she was lying.

when mom came home i asked her about what alissa had said. she smelled like rubbing alcohol and fell asleep before she could answer the question. the next day at school i asked bobby swanson where babies came from. instead of giving me an answer he told all the girls in my class that i was a vagina, and that i liked it when men put their baby juice in my mouth. i think he misunderstood my question.

its 6:30pm and my bedtime so i will write some more tomorrow.

the jungle jim

my mom stopped putting you are wonderful notes in my American gladiators lunch box. i think its because i lied to the police about being touched and abused by my parents but you never know with her. she goes to happy hour a lot but i like that because she leaves me with my babby sitter alissa. alissa is tall and has big forearms. she also has really small feet which makes me feel tingly in my pants.

yesterday alissa came over and we played some uno and watched tv. i started asking alissa things i was curious about like,what is a period and do girls ever have lesbian sleep overs. alissa told my mom when she came home that night. it was a good thing mom was drunk because she probably would have been mad if she remembered in the morning.

that day at school i was playing on the swings with my best friend andy (imaginary) when bobby swanson came over to me. bobby told me that i had better come with him right away because he had discovered something amazing. i followed him to the other side of the recess yard where the jungle jim dome was. we both climbed to the top and he told me to look and pointed behind me. when i turned to look he pushed me off. i thought i had broke my arm, but it turns out it was just dislocated. the nurse called my mom and i got in trouble for falling off the jungle jim for the 3rd time this month.

the lie

at lunch i usually eat at my table with my imaginary friends. today bobby swanson sat down and told me that i wasnt born but that i was hatched from an egg in the suers. at first i didnt believe him but then he made some very good arguments like pointing out my webbed feet and my bald spots. that night i asked my mother about the issue after she got home from happy hour. she told me that she wished i was never born. at least she didnt say hatched. i think bobby was lying.

the next day at school i told bobby that he was lying and he beat me up badly. i went to class with a black eye and everyone asked what happened. not wanting to get my ass kicked more by bobby i told them that my dad had punched me in the face because i wouldnt get him another beer while he was watching nascar. it turns out that that was the wrong thing to tell everyone.

i got called into the principels office. he was sitting there with the counseler and they were both asking if i had ever been touched by my parents. i didnt know what they were talking about, so i said yes… because who hasnt been touched by their parents? it wasnt until a little while later i think i figured out they weren’t talking about normal touching.

a poliece officer came also and asked if my father had ever done this before. not wanting to get in more trouble than i already did i told him the only thing i could think of….. and that was yes. my mother was called and came to pick me up. she told to the officers and medical workers the truth that my dad had left when i was 6. i got in a lot of trouble for fibbing.

Jonathans blog - START HERE!

my name is Jonathan and i am 12 years old. i am in the 6th grade, and i like girls cornuts american gladiators and pokemon. cornuts are a nutrional and tasty snack that my mom packs for me everyday in my american gladiators lunch box to take to school. school lunches are to expensive my mom says.

i am starting this blog so i can get out my feelings and anger on the internet. i dont think anyone reading this would know me because i did not put my last name. if you are reading this and do know me please do not tell my friends because they would make fun of me or beat me up more severly than they already do.

i am trying to use spell check on this blog but some of the words might not get fixed because i am color blind and cannot see if the word is underlined in red or not. i am also a little bit crosseyed and people tell me i smell like the boys urinals.

last week i was sitting in math class and got a pants tent while day dreaming about my new babysitter alissa (my mom has made me stay with one ever since i tried eating one of her lipsticks thinking it was a popscicle while she was at happy hour but i will blog about that later). as i was daydreaming the teacher called my name to come solve a long division problem on the board in front of the class. i do not know how the teacher knew what was happening in my pants but i know she did because she likes to humileate me infront of the class for no apparent reason alot. when she called on me i told her that i could not go to the board because both of my legs were asleep and i could not walk. she did not think this was funny and told me that if i did not come to the board that she would call my father. i told her my father was dead and started crying in front of everyone. lucky for me she baught the story and told me i didnt have to come up to the blackboard. sucker.

not everyone in class felt bad for me. after class bobby swanson shoved me into the girls bathroom again after pulling my pants down. at least i didnt have a erekshun this time so it wasnt so bad.